Monday, March 12, 2007

wow. what numbers can tell!

I went to see a numerologist/alternative therapy lady today, at Girlshrink's suggestion. She figured that given the current lack of response to conventional things, it couldn't hurt. Well, today's bit didn't - not sure about the next bit that I signed up for.

She had no advance info at all, seeing as t-doc got her name from a friend of hers, so she couldn't have found out anything that way. I gave her no info at all. Visual clues - I was wearing standard denims and tshirt with standard lack of make-up. My feet are calloused from walking barefoot, so she could have noticed that. I'm fat - she couldn't not notice that. Oh yeah, and I had a baby barbet with me who still needs 30 min feeds. Other than that...nothing.

She phrased most of her statements in definite terms, without waiting for a reaction, but trying to be tactful some of the time. I can't think of one thing that she said in the two hours I was there that wasn't entirely accurate. OK, her opinion of me doesn't quite match up with my opinion of me - it was a lot nicer than I really am. But the things she said are very much the same as the things that other people that I respect have said. Including t-doc who should know by now what a nasty piece of shit I actually am.

But wow! How does she know from my mother's date of birth that Ma is skinny, elegant, perfectionist, looks 20 years younger than she is? What made her say that my Dad will never stop working because he loves it? How did she know they are moving house? And my sister and family - she summarised them perfectly, even some physical characteristics.

I hadn't said more than pleasantries when she asked straight out about depression and suicidality. OK, the self-mutilation is visible, but most people think first off that the forearm bit is a cat scratch. She didn't.

She also did a tarot reading, which also seemed to come up with much of the same info that she already had. Note to self - go read up on tarot and meanings of cards. All round though, I was stunned by how accurate she was.

So, given that she specifically said that she would be happy to chat to t-doc if she wanted (didn't offer the same for p-doc, but then again, I really can't see him being interested), and that she had no intention of interfering with existing therapies, she suggested first of all that I try to start meditating again. I tried the bio-feedback StressEraser thing last year, which is aiming to semi-scientifisise (??) the physical responses to meditation into doing it without the word ever being mentioned. Didn't do much for me, but part of that was my totally apathy and inability to focus on something that isn't a complete distraction (i.e. I can research strange crap on the net for hours, but can't remember mostly what happened two pages ago in the current novel). I mentioned TM, which did help quite a bit when I was in my teens - she reckons that's a good one, because it's quick and can be done anywhere where there's a comfortable floor and a bit of quiet. She also offered a 5 week course of unpacking therapy - that's going to be the not so comfortable bit. I guess I am sort of aware of a few of the bits that would get unpacked - and maybe examining them and dealing with them will stop them influencing my current life. Because I know that some of them do. Not so much in direct terms, but in some of the ways that I have never gone back to certain parts of me. Some of them have come out with Girlshrink, but more as anecdotal stuff, and I've avoided it becoming any more. Because dammit, the reason it got put away is because it still hurts. And applying logic or hindsight or even just common sense doesn't make any difference.

Or does it? She specifically said that I can pull out after the first session if I really want to, but after that, no chickening out - that it's important to complete the course. Which I interpret as 'is going to hurt like hell, and am going to have to dig it all out' - she says that a lot of what is stopping me from achieving anything much (and if I'm honest, has done for a long time now) has to be dealt with in order to take up the new opportunities she sees in the cards.

Don't know about new opportunities. I'd like it if I could get to a place where I don't stuff up everything I ever do. Would be nice if I could find some kind of BF as well. Mostly I am alone but not lonely. Mostly. The last few months I am combining intense loneliness with a simultaneous reduction in the people I see or communicate with. I am isolating myself in a very empty castle tower. And it happens whether I want it or not. As in Duckling Buddy dumping me. No, it wasn't a good friendship in many ways. It was a lot of hard work for me coping with some of her paranoia and suspicion. But it was also a very honest relationship - the only person I really opened up for who doesn't get paid for enduring it. Then again - maybe the payment just wasn't a financial one, but taken in more subtle ways. Either way, it ended.

Sometimes I think this blog has become a strange friendship thing. I read a few people's blogs, genuinely care about what they say, and appreciate their comments on mine occasionally. But blogbuddies don't keep you warm in the middle of the dark night either....

And sometimes I'd really like that to happen again.

Ah hell. Sometimes I am just more of a thickheaded asshole than I already am generally. Loser, loser, loser. And a nasty one at that.


PS the last little finch died today while I was at t-doc. He was doing great. And then he was doing dead. No idea why. 3/3 dead. And second little mousebird died last night. Maybe I am doing more damage by caring for them than if they stayed at work.

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