Friday, July 13, 2007

and more of the same

today was - get irritated because I'd agreed to fetch something for the rehab centre and drove the long way round to t-doc to get it, only to find that yet again someone had screwed up arrangements. It's happening more and more over the last few months - irate vets phone because nobody has fetched a bird four days after they called, volunteers get sent places only to find that someone has already been to collect whatever. If it's on the way it's not too bad, just makes us look incompetent. When it's miles across town it's annoying as well. Saw t-doc, then went to the centre to take the pigeon I'd brought through only because I was going to be going there with the pick-up. Waited an hour to talk to the centre manager about my pigeon, and then the pick-up problem. It's an issue for me because I do so many of them. And there were a couple of other things to ask her about, nothing major.

So pigeon gets the death sentence, which I was kind of expecting - in fact, almost sure of, because of his shoulder, but hadn't wanted to call it myself. And then I was talking to her about the pick-up situation, basically had hardly started when some stupid, arrogant, little twat starts interrupting every sentence I said with either wrong info, or her own little bright ideas. Eventually after about the 5th time, I picked up the basket I had, said to the boss that I obviously wasn't needed in the conversation I was trying to have, and walked out. Sent her an sms a few hours later saying that whoever the idiot child was could ask bosslady the rest of the things I'd wanted to as she obviously felt she could do a better job than I could of saying what I was thinking. Even if she had no fucking clue. Get a reply a while later saying if it's important email me. Replied that nothing is important.

It isn't, but I had wanted to talk to her. Had wanted her opinion on a couple of other things, had wanted feedback on a snake-catcher whose number she'd asked me for yesterday. And I feel like a hurt kid... the one who wants to answer in class and gets ignored by the teacher in favour of the cute little princess who doesn't know stuff all about the subject, but has all the self-confidence that means knowing the answer is less important than being the favourite.

I know I'm over-irritable at the moment with the meds. That was mostly why I wanted to talk to boss-lady. She is so centered, so focused, so much who I'd like to be if I ever grow up. Yeah, know she is way not perfect, but still....

So I have reacted in my normal really grown-up sensible way. Went out the centre like the proverbial bat, dirt-sliding the bakkie down the rock road, driving like a bad boy-racer on the highway, passed by the bottle-store for a bottle of vodka. And bang goes the month or whatever stupid period it was of abstinence. Over some stupid bitch whose name I don't even know. I am such an absolute loser idiot. Only thing in favour of the vodka is that it leaves less permanent scars than the blades do. And it's less fatal in the next hour or two than the collection is. Loser bitch, stupid fool, I really am such a waste of resources. I am a coward and a cow, a bitch and a brat. Too scared to die. Too fucked up to live. And the stupidest thing, too competent and too lucky to die by accident. For example...I have only had one car accident in 20 years of driving in which I wasn't stationary - except for a couple of parking garage pillars (parking has always been a bad thing) - and that one was entirely not my fault. I have been risky places, done risky things, taken chances that should have hurt or killed. Nada. Come out of them all, maybe hurting inside, but fine. Guess it is going to have to be self-inflicted if I want it this badly. Hey, even my mother tried to send me a mail the other day saying without actually saying it that it's cool with them if I kill myself. She messed up by sending it half-written when she meant to save it as a draft, and had to phone to tell me, once again without saying it in so many words, what she was trying to say. Guess if even your mom thinks it's a good idea, maybe it's time....

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