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Saw p-doc this morning - only nice thing about feeling so permanently shit is seeing him weekly. Wish though that I could be able to show him me the way I am when I'm not deeper than whale-shit depressed - we'd have fun, because we have very much the same warped sense of humour. He's brilliant, but I'm smart enough some of the time to keep up with concepts. Best example from recent times? - when we somehow got onto the subject of birds and people and diseases, and I said that I still wasn't sure about zoonosis not working both ways mostly - that humans pass on more diseases to birds than the reverse. Like what, he says. Trichomoniasis, says I, confidently - in humans it's about 99.9% an STD, whereas in birds it is normally systemic and either fatal, or the bird becomes a carrier. One of my not-accepted theories at work is that anyone coming in contact with birds should automatically put themselves on a course of metronidazole, synulox and doxycillin every 6 months or so to prevent us from passing things on to our patients unknowingly. Well, he replies, with a straight face, not even the weirdest of my patients has ever mentioned stuffing a pigeon up their vagina.... Looked up, caught his eye, and we both collapsed....

Meds screw up memory though, and some of them dumb me down a bit. Actually, a lot. If only they'd do what they're supposed to though - I'd live with being a bit stupider but happier. Been seeing him for two years, about this month sometime. Can't remember much of when, but I think it was beginning of July 2005. Will ask girlshrink - she has an absolutely photographic memory, and remembers stuff about me that I don't remember at all! All we are doing med-wise for now is doubling Inderal, Pexola and Remeron. So I'll be more irritable and dream worse. And maybe adding Aurorix, but he reckons that even though he takes risks with meds, he wants this one in writing from the manufacturers before he tries it. I figure I'll try anything. Animal, mineral or vegetable - if there is any vaguely reputable study showing that it made anyone who is simultaneously conforming to general societal rules even slightly happier....oh shit, I'll take it without a thought. I'm scared of VNS, because that really has horrible but survivable s/e's - talking like a Russian body-builder and a few more strange things. And p-doc put me off DBS completely by saying that if anyone in SA would do it, it's a dude in Cape Town, So, he says, close to your folks while you take 3 months off to learn to control basic body functions like urination. OK....just said no to that one as well!

Good news is that Paddles is back to normal, cheeky and bouncy, and the little whip-tail is going fulltime. I was trying to plant some wild irises in the garden earlier, and he and CJ found me lying under a bush - they thought it was perfect, stand on mommy and kiss her. Yeccchh!

And DB is, I think, sulking with me. I'm beginning to think that maybe we are bad for each other. She was doing well, makes contact with me, and then within days, is almost competing to try and be more down than me. And I'm tense and irritable (which might be a side-effect of the Pexola, says p-doc), miserable as all hell, and I feel like I just don't have any strength to give away. Which makes me feel even more shit, for not being supportive and a good friend etc. It's lose-lose for me all round. And then we have coffee, and she'll be all chirpy and funny, and she is so smart that it is scary, and I remember why I love her. Rollercoaster friendship.... not such a good thing for me at the moment. Last night I sent her a message saying, amongst a whole lot more, good night. 90 mins later she sends a long one to tell me that she has just told HB she wants to go into hospital, but won't go unless p-doc is on call this weekend. Which wakes me up from what is norrmally the only 3 hours of sleep that I get that isn't interrupted by waking up because of bad dreams. So I was annoyed, didn't respond, sent her a message this morning saying please don't do that. Get back 'sorry' - and nothing else since. Which from the girl who normally sends 20 sms's minimum per day means....she's pissed off with me for that.

Oh yeah, and I screwed up. In the middle of conversation about dosage of other things p-doc asks how many Dormonoct I have and without thinking I said 50 odd. Actually, 51. Good, he says, then he's not giving me any more till the end of August - and makes a note of it! He wants my Nardil, of which I still have 274, so he's trying to trade off other stuff. Somehow I can't stop myself from hoarding the leftovers from when we either change meds, or, because appts are always hard to get, he will normally give either an extra day, or allow a repeat, and for some stupid reason, all of the extra days go straight to the collection. Which is such a waste of money, especially if I keep giving it up to him and he turfs it - 3 times so far - and each time, within a week I start it again. And each one gets worse in terms of being effective, because he knows about it and keeps the scripts tight as possible. Weird...I have never done this before I started seeing him - before that it was always 'oh, and take all the killer meds as well'. Since him though, even before DB (who is even worse at it than me), it's been an obsession to accumulate as much as possible of everything - even remembered the possible puking, so conned ten serious anti-nausea ones out of him. Revenge of the gods was that the next drug I took made me puke big-time, so badly that I ended up taking 6 of the tabs. Normally I love puking - although there is no way I can make myself do it, whenever it happens there is this bit of me gleefully working out how much of the last meal has just gone down the toilet. Weird, really really weird. Only reason for so many Nardil is because you can't get it in SA, so my folks had to go to huge effort to get it in the States in Jan, and, with a script and letter from him, eventually managed to get 6 months worth. Pity it did nothing except postural hypotension, unspecific dizziness and twitchy leg. Zip to the mood though. Could give him the unopened bottle to pass on, but don't want to. Side-bet with myself though - he is sooo good at persuading me, that he'll probably get it within the next month. Can't even bet myself a good lunch, because a good lunch without alcohol isn't that good. Haven't had anything at all since the night/morning a month ago when I started at 03h00 and finished a half bottle of vodka around 06h00. Good girl. Asshole....