Saturday, August 25, 2007

spoke too soon....

Baby doveling was dead when I went in for first morning feed at 07h30. I hate it when that happens. We kind of expect, and grow into coping with losses in the first couple of days, particularly with the very young babies that come in. So there's an inbuilt protection mechanism that says "don't get too attached least some will die", and even so, it still hurts a bit. But after a week, or ten days, there's not only a whole lot of love and caring attached - you can't feed and care for a tiny thing every hour and not start caring about it - but there's also an expectation that if something was wrong with it, it would have died already, if it was just too young, it would have died already, if we weren't giving it what it needed, it would have died. By ten days, you've seen it (in birds) treble in size, get eyeballs, pick it's head up when you go near it - it's a responsive, thinking creature. And it hurts big time to lose them. I don't do baby mammals as a rule, after having a baby meerkat (ok, an already seriously compromised baby, after being burned out of the burrow and sold on the side of the road way before weaning) die in my arms one night. Not only because of the attachment. I also have way too many sleep issues, and when I am sleeping, wouldn't trust myself to give a bottle or a syringe to anything. Waking up for IT work is different - I actually CAN do that in my sleep! And have, many times...

So bigtime bummer. After which the weather picked up on my mood and just stayed grey and miserable all day. I couldn't nap because Gil the handyman was here. I couldn't do anything because of that. Except spend lots of time reading up on oxytocin, as instructed by p-doc yesterday. Interesting stuff. I think though that rather than the artificial versions, I'd prefer what came up # 1 on the ways to produce it: good sex and lots of orgasms. Umm. Blush. Not something I'll get into discussing with him, I don't think. And the other interesting alternative is Ecstasy. Somehow don't think he meant me to try that either. I'm also not terribly excited about things that are given to lactating women to increase milk production. Hey, just call me Daisy. Or Buttercup. Moo...!


Aqua said...

I'm sorry to hear about baby doveling. That must be the hardest part of your work...not sure I could do it, but glad you can.

I'm curious...what is your pdoc suggesting oxycontin for? I may have missed it in your posts as I have a hard time concentrating sometimes. Is he suggesting it for your depression? I've recently heard about a study that looks at ketamine as a tretment for treatment resistant depression and I've also read somewhere about the use of methadone for that too. Sounds scary to me...from my alcohol addiction into an addiction to methadone...don't think that's a good idea.

Here's hoping both of us find meds that work...and soon!

jcat said...

Sorry, see I didn't say why the oxytocin. There've been quite a lot of studies on it i.r.o depression - unfortunately most of the ones that look interesting are in subscriber-only journals (anyone with a Journal of Psychopharmacology subscriber ID to lend me?) - but if you search on oxytocin + Manfred Spitzer, you'll pick up some of it. In genereal....makes people feel warm and fuzzy, increases openness and trust, seems to have some impact on bonding with others.

I'll try to twist his arm into letting me try it when he comes back from holiday. Haha...that's probably why he told me to read up on it, knowing full well that I'd come back begging and nagging for it!

I picked up on some ketamine studies last year, but he wouldn't consider it until he came back from the APA congress in San Diego. Sounds like there was quite a lot of discussion there about it. I've blogged on it, but basically it did nothing for me. Wasn't even a nice trip, either.
This is quite a good article :

and there's also some interesting stuff on ket and Lamictin in Medscape

Haven't heard of anything on methadone, but will look. Although, as you say, probably not a good idea from a cross-addiction POV. Have drunk way too much at times in the past, spent two years doing crack cocaine (another theory is that this in turn increases TRD years later. bummer!), don't think I want to go near methadone. Just in case.