Wednesday, August 22, 2007

what a highly constructive day

OK, so I fed baby doveling every hour roughly, and the four screaming pigeon babies every three hours. Apart from that I.....umm, I did what all day? Umm. Virtually nothing. Started an oxtail stew cooking for tomorrow night - about 20 mins. Scanned in 5 cards, changed sizes and printed them out again to use as CD covers - hours and hours (must have been). Cut one CD, ran out of disks because other 4 all got errors. Note to the universe - don't buy Sony recordable CDs ever again. Even on slowest most error-free speed, they all bombed. Have never had a problem with TDK. Read fave blogs, read Cybershrink and Cybervet postings for the day - must also have been hours. Updated med calendar for Friday - a spreadsheet that shows what meds I'm taking, how many days I have on hand, how many days I have repeats for at the pharmacy. Currently I'm taking 6 meds at 4 times, for a total of 12 lots for the day. And every single one of them runs out on a different day. And on 4 of the meds, we've changed dose at least 3 times. No wonder the pharmacist gets confused. And I use a spreadsheet to keep track, and recount pills often.

Feeling guilty about meds, because at the same time as I took 120 Nardil out of my collection to give to p-doc on Friday, I weaseled 9 15mg midazolam - benzo - tabs and one or two Inderal, Remeron, Pexola/Mirapex and Neurontin. All except the midazolam are tail ends, where I don't have enough for another dose - the midazolam is a deliberate squirrel. Which is why I feel guilty. I whine about not sleeping if I don't have a sedative, I whine about waking up 4 to 6 times a night, I whine about too-vivid nightmares - all of which is true, and all of which I've had for about the length of this down. What isn't is that the previous med wasn't working (just about all of them seem to have the same limited effect), and he's forgotten that I have 20 Stilnox/Ambien and 46 Zopimed/Imovane from previous scripts anyway. So he gave me two weeks of the benzo at 30mg, of which I have stashed 15 tabs. The sedatives are the only ones I don't take as prescribed, normally only taking half the dose. In this case 15mg is the top end of the range anyway. Even if I take 30mg (along with the Remeron, Neurontin and Inderal...Pexola 3rd dose is at 16h00), I still have the same sleep profile. It's not enough to stop me from saving them, but it does make me feel guilty. I've given him the entire collection twice so far. And shit - within a week I start it again. Only thing I don't hand over are the Zofran, for severe nausea. Only have 4, but am holding those just in case it ever gets to using the collection. Even though CO poisoning would be the primary method. Know how, know where, keep hoping I never find out when.

Cannot believe that I've been awake for about 14 hours, and can only account for about 6 of them, and most of that can't be classified as constructive anyway. At least though, work isn't expecting anything from me this week. And have to be moving early tomorrow for t-doc appointment, so hopefully will do some of things that I should have done today. So guess I should head for bed now.

1 comment:

Aqua said...

Jcat...I hoard my meds and feel guilty about it, and end up caving in and telling my pdoc and giving them to him...I think I understand that need to feel like you have a way out. I know when I give them to him I usually stop obsessing about using them, so I think for me, being honest and handing them over helps me in the end...even though I could sure use the valium I gave up....but THAT is exactly why it helps me.