mortification

I really, really hate it when I go see pdoc and just sit there crying. Which covers most of today's appointment. The rest was wishing that I could talk properly when I feel like this - it's easy to fake it and talk crap about anything, and I try not to ever do that with him or tdoc ...the whole false layer on top that I have developed for most people - instead of mumbling semi-coherent bits about 'enough already'. And having to acknowledge that once again I have done none of the things I should, and many of the ones I shouldn't. Haven't gone to gym, brought him my med stash, woken up happy, eaten regularly, gone to bed on time. Have hit the vodka a bit too much.

So, try again this week. If I can stop crying long enough. And shave my legs.

Meds for the week stay the same, apart from going up from 60mg Remeron to 90mg, and then maybe cutting back on the sedative ones, both the Ambien and the Neurontin. Just looked back in notes though, and found that last time he tried to up Remeron, at 75mg I slept half the day while still sleeping badly at night. The Pexola is higher now though, so that might make a difference. Then he asked whether I'd ever tried any of the opiates - answer is not yet. But I would, now, if they were on offer. He reckons 'no' because of abuse and addiction potential being too high, says 'you would have a couple of good months and then a huge crash and all the possible complications...' And all I could say was "I'd take it. A couple of good months. Better than anything else in just about three years". I would too....