Saturday, April 12, 2008


I know I am tense about the upgrade, even though I know deep down that it will either be A1 cool and smooth, or if it isn't, between me and other-contractor, we are more capable than anyone else could be at making it work.

But still. Guess part of what leads eventually to me being good is that I have - and am - sweating badly over this as part of my prep. When I saw pdoc on Thu, we were talking about life, the universe and everything... which I have been revelling in doing for the last couple of weeks. He is so, so smart and funny...and it brings out the best of the corresponding bits in me. And I love feeling like that. So on thu, can't remember what led up to it, but we were talking about work and upgrade and stress, and he asked me something, and the answer was that whatever it was would be cool 'because basically I am so damn good at this'.

He stopped there. Looked at me for a long time, and said that that was the first time he had ever heard me say something complimentary about myself. Maybe that is something to think about some other time.

For now, though, Thu was great, Fri was wake up way early to start a test at 05h30, do good stuff with that, nap in the bath, see PT dude and have a great training session, do some more stuff and then have an afternoon nap. Amazing day, until I woke up crying after the nap and haven't managed to stop yet. No reason. None.

Guess that if nothing else, this is reassurance that it's not only the dude that is causing the good bits. He was wonderful on Friday, and is coming over tomorrow (very unusually, but I have a suspicion that it's because he knows that work is getting to me a bit...), being just as sweet and kind as he has been for the past two months. And if I can hit the wall with him still being around, it gives me hope that it is the meds that are really making the difference. Which is way more reliable than loving someone.

I had a brief dive at 125mg Tofranil, and then got the good mood back at 150mg. So emailed pdoc on fri night to ask about 175mg, and he said to go with it - maybe I am being too sensitive to things, but I really, really don't want to let the dragons start chewing on me again right now. Not when I am having the best month in so many long long years. So holding thumbs that however bad today has been, and knowing that tomorrow is likely to be a 10-puke day and night (my uncontrollable reaction to upgrades and stress like that is to run off and puke every 30 mins or so...), between the dude and the meds....and maybe just a bit of being not too awful at what I do....maybe I can have the feeling good bit back again this coming week.


Aqua said...

I really, really hope this mood will stick with you and give you enough time to have a huge, long leaping start at getting well.

It is so funny that once again we are on a similar route. My mood has been mostly good to great with a bit of crappy time...but mostly I feel like my old self is coming around.

I am glad your pdoc pointed out your complimenting yourself. You are great at what you do...and I am really happy you are able to acknowledge how good you are.
Take care,

Annie said...

This is my first time on your blog. I find your writing interesting and can relate to your fears of the mood problems. I wish you the best. It sounds like a good fit with your pdoc. and that is great! Visit my blog if you have time.

jcat said...

Thanks A....starting to think that those crantinis on the beach might happen this decade!

Annie, welcome, and thank you. Would like to visit your blog, but you will either have to leave a link or make your profile public so I can find it.

Annie said...

Jcat - I am having trouble with Blogger sites. I use Word Press and have no problems there. I registered with Google but it doesn't seem to be activating me as it should.

This is my site:

If you need to remove this post I will understand because of the live link above.