wipe-out

I know I am tense about the upgrade, even though I know deep down that it will either be A1 cool and smooth, or if it isn't, between me and other-contractor, we are more capable than anyone else could be at making it work.

But still. Guess part of what leads eventually to me being good is that I have - and am - sweating badly over this as part of my prep. When I saw pdoc on Thu, we were talking about life, the universe and everything... which I have been revelling in doing for the last couple of weeks. He is so, so smart and funny...and it brings out the best of the corresponding bits in me. And I love feeling like that. So on thu, can't remember what led up to it, but we were talking about work and upgrade and stress, and he asked me something, and the answer was that whatever it was would be cool 'because basically I am so damn good at this'.

He stopped there. Looked at me for a long time, and said that that was the first time he had ever heard me say something complimentary about myself. Maybe that is something to think about some other time.

For now, though, Thu was great, Fri was wake up way early to start a test at 05h30, do good stuff with that, nap in the bath, see PT dude and have a great training session, do some more stuff and then have an afternoon nap. Amazing day, until I woke up crying after the nap and haven't managed to stop yet. No reason. None.

Guess that if nothing else, this is reassurance that it's not only the dude that is causing the good bits. He was wonderful on Friday, and is coming over tomorrow (very unusually, but I have a suspicion that it's because he knows that work is getting to me a bit...), being just as sweet and kind as he has been for the past two months. And if I can hit the wall with him still being around, it gives me hope that it is the meds that are really making the difference. Which is way more reliable than loving someone.

I had a brief dive at 125mg Tofranil, and then got the good mood back at 150mg. So emailed pdoc on fri night to ask about 175mg, and he said to go with it - maybe I am being too sensitive to things, but I really, really don't want to let the dragons start chewing on me again right now. Not when I am having the best month in so many long long years. So holding thumbs that however bad today has been, and knowing that tomorrow is likely to be a 10-puke day and night (my uncontrollable reaction to upgrades and stress like that is to run off and puke every 30 mins or so...), between the dude and the meds....and maybe just a bit of being not too awful at what I do....maybe I can have the feeling good bit back again this coming week.