Saturday, May 24, 2008

saturday night movies....

...just been watching the Morgan Spurlock documentary 'Super Size Me'. Scary stuff, even though I routinely avoid fast foods, almost as punishment for myself. I probably have either MacD, KFC or any other take-away about once a month. Doesn't make me any thinner, but I can hope that it at least isn't making me fatter either. It really surprised me to see the dude on thurs having a McFeast for breakfast, and then when I texted him to see if there was anything he wanted for lunch, he asked for another one. Guess it can be done occasionally.

Reading yesterday's post, and Aqua's comment over again...I'm not suicidal. There've been maybe about 5 days in the last four months where I'd have rated myself as there, including last saturday. One of the first signs for me of suicidality is that I stop caring about anything after this life, and all I want is out of it anyway.

What I am though, is kind of accepting. It's not that I would want to die without him, but that it would be almost pointless carrying on. Being with him is what I was made for, be it in this life or another one. With all the circumstances - his marriage, our ages, our histories - I can't really expect too much time with him here and now. What I can do is grasp that time whole-heartedly, and revel in it. And then move on, with the hope and belief that it will happen again, for longer and better. I'm not going to pre-empt anything, not yet. But it doesn't scare me either.

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