yeah, well. apocryphal title....

oh god, yeah...how much of a dork can I be. Obviously, a whole lot more than I thought was even possible.....

rest of post, I guess, goes to the dudeblog by default. For the last time. Lets just say that the odds of ever having anything more to say dude-wise are probably below zero. And along with that, my interest in ever saying anything more is also pretty much zero.

dork is polite. Fuckwit stupid loser asshole is more apt.

joke of the week for me? Has to be the bit about how dude has become the best of all words and a substitute for most of the cussing as well. So tonight, where dude also signifies the whole rip my heart out and eat it while it bleeds..... what can I call myself. Dudewit dude-blank dude-aholic dudehole doubledude.....

so how much of a dork can i be....

...in this case, work-wise. So after an awesome dude-visit on saturday, a did-i-actually-do-anything day on sunday, I was back at office #2 on monday. After having scaled off to work at home for most of last week. Spent the whole trip there hoping that I'd get fired, only to discover that boss wasn't in the office. The whole IT dept seems to consist of 5 people including me, one of whom is boss, one of whom is new trainee programmer and one of whom is me. The other two don't talk much. There are also some random other-companies support staff who do stuff, but I haven't quite worked out what yet.

So after I didn't get fired 'cos there was no-one there to do it, I sat down and worked hard for a couple of hours and finished fixing the code I was working on last week. Eureka! Only took me as long as the average 5 year old would take.... Escaped while I was ahead, and came home to do lots of errands before a dude-evening. About two minutes after he said he was hungry, the power went off, so when it didn't come on, we went out for supper. Nerve-wracking, because he knows way too many people, but great anyway, and then a few more hours at home before he left.

Another good visit this morning, and then back to office #2 to see if I was still employed. No sign of boss, and I am starting to vaguely recollect something about her taking this week off, but I am such a wuss that I didn't ask anyone except trainee, who doesn't know either. Sat around a bit, escaped to do more errandy stuff, and looking forward to another dude visit in the morning.

After which....hmmm. Could visit the office again to see if I am employed/fired/have more work.... possibilities are endless. Dork!

phew!

so, having gone through the last few months, I reckon that everything that could identify the dude is now hived off to a separate blog. Might make this one seem a bit disjointed in places to begin with, but hopefully I'll be able to split dude-IDable stuff off from dude-daily info.

talking of which....funny how a word become part of you. Like 'dude' - it's never been a word that I've used, but it sort of snuck in with talking about PT. Then it became the dude's nick as well, and then it became what I call people when I am trying not to call them brainless fucking morons. Like the one who stands in the middle of the road while I'm driving. Or the one doing something stupid at work. And and and. So it now has a hundred different tones, depending on which dude I mean.

this is awful. My vocabulary is regressing. If I start saying like in terms of anything other than a comparison, please shoot me... like right now, dude!

BTW

am thinking I need to take the blog private. It kind of negates the original point, of trying to share the joys of bipolar and life with other people in similar places. Of becoming part of an international group of friends being supportive and sharing things.

That has happened, and I really appreciate the loose community that I feel part of. Quite a few different kinds of people, in very different places, many of whom I regard as important to me, even if we are unlikely to ever meet in person.

But while I am willing to claim blog-me in RL if it ever happens, I don't think that's a choice that other people should face. Other people? So OK, only concern here is the dude. I can't not talk about him, but I worry that I am identifiable by what I write, and so he might be too, and the consequences of that are not mine to accept.

So, Aqua, Pol (UK), Polar Bear, Annie, Lara...there are few more repeat visitors who I haven't blog-met yet.... think I am going to take this one private for a while. Mail me at the jcat456 gmail addy, and I'll send passwords etc....

strange and interesting times

so this morning started out with the next weapon in the stop smoking armament: hypnosis. The acupuncture has helped with cutting down enormously, sometimes even to no cigarettes at all (ok, those days have included a couple of drags on the old and dusty grass, even though I don't actually like feeling stoned anymore), but doesn't seem to be quite enough to kick it completely. What is strangest for me is that I don't even want to smoke at all when the dude is here, I would rather just breathe his unique scent. Days where I don't see him or where he is gone early are still bad though. So round two is the hypnotist lady.

I had to really beg her to take me because she said she isn't certain enough that I want it for myself. I do, but it is also way harder than I thought it would be. I was trying to get really honest with myself about why after the first appt on Weds. Closest I can get to it is that if the dude smoked I probably wouldn't even think of giving up. He doesn't, and I want to do it for him firstly. At the same time though, I have had enough positive comments from other people - without me saying anything to them at all - that I am kind of liking the idea apart from him. I'm at the stage now where I want it to happen, but I'm also realistic enough to see that without him I'd probably slip back to my previous 50-odd a day. It doesn't help that so many of my close friends smoke, and a couple are being really hard-headed about it being my decision not theirs, and smoking when we are together. And I am so feeble that I instantly scrounge a few and join them. So this is also going to impact on my already limited social life, because I just can't sit with people who are smoking and not do it myself. It's going to have to be a case of either they don't smoke or we don't meet. And being at home alone also doesn't help, because I pace around and end up convincing myself that tomorrow is a good time to stop completely. Hahaha.

so hypnotist lady did her stuff this morning. We'll see how it goes, but so far all the techniques aren't even touching sides. Only thing that helped for the day was having the dude here for most of it. And it was another awesome day, mostly.

so no news is just....no news, I guess

pretty much nothing has changed since friday. Sister is still sick, with a tennis ball sized hole in her abdomen, after the wound was cleaned and debrided over the weekend. She reckons that's an improvement on her tummy smelling like a very dead body was lying there, but otherwise it's all pretty grim. And will likely take about 3 months to heal. Ouch.

second job is still highly stressful, and first one is, I reckon going to be an ex one soon. I don't need daily management, but I do need backup, and I'm just not getting it. Which, according to my manager this morning, is just about everyone's fault except his. So fine...reckon I will accept a restrictive contract for now, and see what else is available. I need the money.

And the dude is still wonderful. Friday's dumb questions seem to have gone the way of any serious-type discussion with him - into the ether or wherever things like that go to moulder away. He was here on Sunday, and spent ages doing some house-repair for me, something that was annoying me but that I thought was unfixable. He fixed it. I occupied myself by taking pics of him working, to give me something more to stare at soppily. Including a sweet one of him smiling, and a really sweet one of his butt. Tight focus....hehe.

all around part #2

so this evening is the down bit, I guess. Suppose it has to happen when almost everything is good, just to remind me of how fragile the balance really is.

The second job is still highly stressful. All that I have in my favour is that I told my boss there on Monday that I wasn't good enough to do what they need, although I was willing to try and learn, and also to try find them someone more suitable. Seems though that they want to try the learning bit, because they aren't telling me to piss off yet. I would if I were them, and I keep expecting it every day.

My sister is back in hospital, still really not well. First job is giving me extra uncertainty, and the rehab is alternating between excessive guilt because I can't do what they want and trying to fit in the care for what I'm already looking after.

Have been surviving on my normal fixes - pdoc, girlshrink, Duckbuddy and, more than anything, the dude. The last couple of weeks since the idiot letter, he's been here almost every day, and for much longer visits, and it makes a huge difference to my outlook.

There's an old lawyer's rule though, something about never asking a witness a question that you don't already know the answer to, and today I stepped headfirst into that one. It seemed at the time like a good point to try and see what his view of things is. Not. I asked how long he thought the whole thing with him and me might last for. So he said no idea, and that he doesn't want to think about it. Take it one day at a time and don't make plans. And that if you think about bad things, you can bring them into being.

I don't know if I agree with the last point. Because then you should also be able to bring good things into being, the same way. And I have thought and dreamed and wished so much in the past few months for a future with more of him in it. Ain't happening though, is it. More fool, me...