Wednesday, October 8, 2008

don't know how to do this anymore

so if I try to evaluate the last 7 weeks or so, about all I can come up with is :

- the dude is married, and he's not leaving home. I do admire him for that, even if I think his reason's kinda suck. He is unhappy, he screws around, he lies. A huge chunk of what is meaningful to him happens elsewhere and she is so completely dumb that it's a tossup as to whether she even knows it or not.

- I love him completely, and no matter how many times I ask him to please go away, when he says things like 'if that is what you want....', I fold. No, babe, it is so NOT what I fucking want. I want to be with you forever, fulltime, openly. I don't want you to ever go away. But I am trying so hard to stop this because it just hurts too much.

- he is using me at the moment, financially. Stuff that is easy to me is impossible for him , and I'm trying to pull back on the support a bit, but when he cannot keep his head out of water monetarily....I can't stand back and watch him drown. I just can't do that.

- I have been lost for the last weeks, and I feel more and more that the only way out of this is by being dead. All I want is to be with him, all I do at the moment is see him when I can, and cry myself ugly in between. All I've proved in the last two months is that I cannot get myself out of this relationship unless he will walk away, and he just won't do that

- I cry for most of every day, and drink huge amounts most nights. And every morning I leap out of bed and do stuff - feed birds, work, study. Until I know whether I'll see him or not, and then the day disintegrates. I can't even screw around anymore. Some sweet-sounding guy found me via the dating site that I put a profile on way back when the dude did, and has been mailing me now and again since then. Got as far as online chat over the weekend, he wanted to meet for coffee and see how things progressed from there. Yeah, it's a pick-up site, nothing with potential, but he still seemed comparatively nice. I mailed him back yesterday to say not yet, I just can't do it. I can't even look at having coffee - never mind shagging him silly. He's not the dude, and I just can't even pretend that it would be enjoyable.

Never mind don't know how.... don't even want to do this anymore either

1 comment:

Aqua said...

Jump on a plane and come visit! I am "sort" of joking (you are welcome anytime). I am worried about you and wonder if a bit of distance between you and the dude might be a good idea. It is so hard to deal with the situations you are faced with when he is right there.

It is NOT your reesponsibility to take care of him financially...think about it, by suporting him you are supporting his wife too (and him staying with his wife).

You are such a great person, you deserve a person who will give you at least as much as you give them. Please know I'm thinking of you. Maybe a vacation with a friend might be a good way to get some distance?
Please take care,