Thursday, October 23, 2008

glorious thursday

a nightmare day yesterday. All the insecurities and anguish roosting. Started by seeing my sister and family on Tues night, and getting this visceral smack that reminds me that I will never ever have that for myself. Never hold my child, or swell with pride at their achievements. And sometimes that really hurts.

That was followed by a morning at work, having to be on form and participate, and really getting into it. The downside, as I know from the past, is that after 3 hours on stage for an award-winning performance, I leave, and deflate, and there is nothing left of the bright and shiny character. Was holding on, because next event was the dude. Didn't happen, no message or call for 3 hours, and then it was just a cancellation. I'd screwed up all the rest of the day, just to get home for him, and he couldn't even send a message. Plummet. Freefall. Collapse of all the good bits, and into the pit. Not a good night, and subsequently not a good morning.

And then he is here, and I breathe him in, and the world shifts back into place, and there is a future. He apologised for yesterday, I bitched at him nicely. And then it was just awesome again - went to get a couple of books, lunch, talking non-stop and dreaming and sharing, magnificent sex....

Jodi Picoult's latest paperback is about ghosts, and the living, and how sometimes it can seem as if you are just missing the chance to be with your other half. And then all that is really left is to get out of this life, in the hope that you will both time it better in the next one. I told the dude today that in my next life I am hoping to meet him decades before we can love each other, but that when we meet, I will be with him for the rest of that life, completely. I will, I really believe that we will have a whole and complete life together. Just, I guess, not this time around...

1 comment:

Aqua said...

Hi Jcat,
You may never have children, but you can still be an awesome auntie. I find that rewarding in so many ways. Rewarding and manageable. (I never thought I could manage to consistently take care of a child, so made a choice to not have a child), but I can love my nieces to bits and manage the short visits.

I am exactly like you in terms of giving tons of energy to a task completely wipes me out afterwards. I really do not get that, but it seems to be symptomatic of my mood disorder.

Sending you big caring hugs,