oh dear, oh dear, oh dear....

... so sunday's amicable parting was followed by tuesday's incredible sex. As well as lots of time just spent sitting next to each other doing separate work. And today's friendly visit, where I was working and he was studying, and nothing "serious" was mentioned. Maybe it's because I'm a girl, and maybe I invest too much emotion in stuff. But I find it hard to understand how we can both enjoy everything together so much, and yet for him it ends there. It's not imagination on my part about the enjoyment - he admits to that much. We can talk about everything, and even if we don't agree entirely, the differences just make for more enjoyable debates - and we pretty much share the same basic beliefs anyway. We laugh at the same things, we find the same things poignant. We have the most amazing sex....

Last week he asked what I would say or do if the circumstances were reversed, and I said that it would probably be much the same as he has. I thought about that one a lot, relating it to previous relationships where I was the one who was loved, but didn't return the love. And I don't really think that I would ever be able to take on the enormous strain of living with someone if I didn't love them completely. So I can't disagree with his actions, but it still leaves me wondering how everything can be so good and yet put us in such varying positions.

On a lighter note, I received a mail just now from a man who is hoping to relocate some dassies from a place with a population explosion to a game farm with a scarcity, and wants some advice on how to go about it. Dassies, also known as hyraxes, or rock rabbits, are a strange little animal about the size of a large domestic cat. Their closest living relative is - amazingly - the elephant. They are wide-spread in South Africa and Africa in general, living mainly in areas with hills or rocky outcrops. They are primarily vegetarian, and spend a lot of time lying around in the sun. They also bite like hell, and can be quite aggressive when cornered, and have a complex social structure of family groups within colonies. The man concerned is hoping to relocated a small number, and is worried about maintaining the family balances. One of his questions was:
"Can a lawyer sex these animals easily or does one need to be a sex expert?"

If I ever meet him I am going to battle with keeping a straight face.......

photo credit wikipedia

same pain, different day......

- we are trying the breakup on friendly terms. It can't hurt worse than last week, but I just don't know if I can handle it. He called earlier just to say hi, and the way my heart leaps when the phone rings in case it is him, and then soars when it is... doessn't exactly make me feel like I am moving on at all.

- words from Les Mis, as per my last weeks awed discovery of Susan Boyle:

"And still I dream he'll come to me
And we will live our lives together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms
We cannot weather..."

i just don't learn from the past mistakes i've made..

...subtitled : confusion runs rampant, again...

- needless to say, it's the dude. We had long text conversations yesterday, which basically boiled down to:
1. me wanting to know what I do wrong
2. him saying that I am an amazing person in a whole bunch of ways
3. me asking why we are in the same position again
4. him saying that it's not my fault
5. me saying it must be, otherwise we'd be together and happy
6. him saying that he wishes he could give me what I need
7. me asking what is wrong with me that he can wish that but not do it
8. him saying that he cares about me a lot, but that he just doesn't love me
9. agreement that it's better that we be completely honest, even tho it hurts...

- ok, so I'm bipolar, and more on the depressive side of that. But there are very few people in RL who know that, or who ever see any of it. And in the time that I've known him - and also because of him - it's been really well managed. He doesn't see the miserable bits, because mostly they happen when/because he isn't here, and I go to a lot of effort to hide it. This blog is the raw bits, the bits my tdoc knows - apart from that, the most that people generally know is that I have had major depressive episodes, and am OK now. Some people know that I still get seriously down, but none of them ever see anything of it, apart from not seeing me for a short while - and I always have enough reasons that everyone thinks I am hectically busy with everyone else.

- but there is something worse that is wrong with me. There has to be. He says that he loves spending time with me, that he loves chatting to me because we can talk about absolutely everything and it is always interesting to him, that he still finds me very attractive physically (which is one thing that amazes me but that I know is true. He knew exactly how fat I was before we ever had sex, as in, he'd measured every damn inch of me, and he still wanted to do it. Even now, after 14 months of making love, when I'd have figured that the newness was well gone, his body still makes it obvious that he really wants me) and it is still always good for both of us. But with all that in favour, he doesn't love me. Not even enough to want to try anything more serious. There has to be something so awfully wrong with me...

- he wanted to visit today. I agreed, because I'd rather we part on good terms. The whole day was surreal, because it was just so good and so comfortable, for both of us. We even got round to a bit of bedroom action in spite of the fact that he'd pulled a muscle running sprints and was in obvious pain. And now I'm wondering whether I should just settle for what there is between us, even knowing that that is all there will ever be. If I keep seeing him, I am never going to stop loving him, I am never going to be able to look at anyone else, and (it's already borderline) the longer I see him the less chance there is of being with someone long enough and soon enough to think about a child. And I really want to parent one, with him.

- how does one know when not enough is more than one will ever have otherwise?

election day

happy fucking democracy...

Yeah, I did vote, although there isn't much point in a one party state. At least we do still have opposition parties unlike our neighbours to the north. Two hours in the queue, but I did it.

Thats all I really did today apart from cry and miss the dude.

over. i think. again...........

so on saturday night someone anon sent the dude's wife an sms, saying, apparently (seeing as he didn't get to read the whole thing before she deleted it, and neither did I) a whole lot of stuff about she should grow up and get a job etc, as well as that he had been having an affair for two years with someone who fetched him at the local shop in (my car type).

I was really taken aback by that, not only that someone would send a half-assed message like that, but also by the thought that someone I don't know has been watching him, and therefore me. All he was worried bout was poor little wife, and how untrue it is because she has a job. Yeah right. She works in some kind of pretend thing for her mother, and doesn't earn enough to pay any of their bills. And that I know, because I have been paying most of them, including doing the grocery shopping with him for the last 5 months.

We sat in my car for an hour or so talking, instead of the normal sunday morning in bed bit, then he wanted to go look at TVs. His is broken, and I gather wifey can't survive without being able to watch the kids cartoons. Seeing as he hasn't returned the last money that was distinctly a loan not a gift because I really don't have it spare this month, and seeing as I paid the rent, health insurance, groceries, fuel and car stuff already, I've been kind of deaf to the TV stuff.

And then I came home, alone, for a change. And thought about all sorts of things, including that he really didn't seem to give a damn about how I might feel about any of the crap that could result from what happened. And sent him an email that is about as nasty as I can ever get to him. Like, not very much, compared to what I should probably be saying.

Only sensible thing in it was telling him not to contact me at all unless he has his suitcases and some intent to commit along with him. Haven't heard anything since, not that I really expected to. Guess he is at home telling wifey that I changed overnight from being Santa fucking Claus with an excess of gifts to the dragon. And that he has no idea on earth why......

And me? I lie on the couch with my eyes closed and count backwards from 1000 in the hope that it will stop me from missing the part of me that I just ripped out without anaesthetic, and that I will sleep for a few hours to stop me from thinking of him all day. When that doesn't work, I get up, drink my allowed (by me) 1/2 bottle of vodka, cry a lot, take 3x the amount of sleeping pill that I have taken in the last 3years, cry for another hour or two, and then the combo finally knocks me out for a couple of hours.

I wake up crying in the dark of midnight

give yourself a real treat....

....and watch the most unexpected and unlikely new hero. It's a lady called Susan Boyle, on a British talent show, and she will absolutely blow you away. Kind of solid, middle-aged, plain, strong regional accent....and then she opens her mouth and sings. Wow. She should be famous, make millions, have men throwing their underwear at her on stage, sing for the Pope. All of it, and I hope she gets it.

Here's a Youtube link to the show excerpt:Susan Boyle

long weekends

It seems as if everyone else is having a great month in April, which in SA is full of public holidays and long weekends. I hate them, because it means that I get to see very little of the dude, if at all. And to add to it, he has been sick with flu for the last few days, so apart from a croaky phone call today, I've had even less contact with him.

Makes for a very grumpy and miserable cat :-(....

rehab keeps me busy...

...and the dude keeps me insane. Totally off balance, totally in love. He makes me go from one extreme to the other, all because of a message or two, or the absence of them. At the end of it all though, being with him is almost always so good. I hate the emotional rollercoaster, and I still hate the subterfuge and the limits of the time and contact I have with him. And I just can't stop seeing him, even so....

At least the birds and beasts have been keeping me busy in between. Apert from the visitors, my one boy-cat has had a major eye-infection. For a pure white cat though, having weepy, swollen eyes for 4 days does not improve his appearance. Especially seeing as I am so not allowed to clean his face, and have settled for just getting the eyedrops in. His eyes are now back to normal, but he still has 'eye-liner' from the drops and the tears, and it has made dark circles around his eyes. A boycat with make-up...have been calling him Emo-cat instead of Sam :-)