yay. holiday. bah f-ing humbug.

so if the title doen't give you the idea that I am not particularly looking forward to the impending vacation, let me just expand. I. DO NOT. WANT. AT ALL. to go away tomorrow morning for two weeks. There just hasn't been enough prep time, enough laid-back go get forex/make birdie arrangements/sort out household stuff/sort out work/sort out entire f-ing life before taking two weeks away with - as far as I can see - no comms whatsoever. No cell phone, no email, no net, And with someone who has rapidly progressed from being my best friend and ideal holiday-partner to the person I am most likely to drown while we scuba-dive around beautiful coral reefs. Seriously.

Tdoc was the one who kicked my butt into planning at this. At the time, I had no desire to do it either, but figured it would theoretically be a good thing, and planned it around IT-work and rehab-work and last couple of weeks of summer etc etc. And what I was most scared of was two whole weeks with no pdoc, no tdoc and no household routine.

Since then, routine has gone for a ball of chalk anyway, have recollected that pigeons breed all year round so there is never a good time to be gone from a birdie POV, and re-re-re-understood that from an IT work perspective, DBAs should never sleep or do anything that might reduce the 24/7/365 availability - never mind a two week break.

The mood has been good enough that the lack of therapeutic contact was almost ok - until the last few stressful days of organising - but what I hadn't known then was that by now I would be head-over-heels way deep in a pointless futureless romantic entanglement. Which, regardless of future options, I really really don't want to leave for an entire two weeks right now. The very small sensible voice says that just the not wanting to be away from him concept should be making me run for the borders. That small voice though is completely overwhelmed by the rest of me.

And added to that is the really bad circumstancial stuff that has meant a serious lack of bed-time the past two weeks. Affection yes, rampant sex....no. I was really depending on at least today for a bit, and after an entirely frustrating and time-wasting arbitrary day where I ended up crying at least once an hour because of no-brain, idiotic lack of cooperation from the gods, that was stuffed up at the last hurdle. FFFUUUUUCCCCKKK. Or not, I guess...

Been crying for the last 7.5 hours, since a very curtailed and way too un-physical contact. Knowing that it is totally stupid and pointless doesn't mean dipshit to the 15-year-old hormones that are raging around my body at the moment. Shit. Don't think I ever even felt this deprived and victimised when I was 15.



"Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round
Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears
Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by
Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart
And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart
And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do, I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
A total eclipse of the heart

Bonnie Tyler (1983) 'total eclipse of the heart'

sad movie of the day

so one of the things that PT dude has got me started on is downloading movies to watch on the PC. Most of his choices tho' have me howling myself silly when I watch them, even tho' they are all really good movies.

Tonight's choice was Guardian, with Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher. Brilliant film, but by the end I was yelling at it 'not to let him die! Please don't let him die!'....which didn't make any difference of course. Still crying....

Oh yeah, the music is by a famous South African - Trevor Rabin, lead singer of the hottest SA rock band of the '70s, Rabbitt.

sublime. ridiculous. whatever....

A couple of naps (and some serious comfort food to encourage those) and I appeared at work 90 seconds before our start time, having done a bit of low-flying with the music at full volume and playing the most wiring songs I have - so I sat down with blood pounding and just so, so on form. Didn't help. There is a serious system flaw somewhere, and 6 hours later I snailed home after we'd tried every last devious trick before backing out. Bummer. Bigtime bummer.

Today was a bit of a loss consequently. Did the feeds & fetches, the post-mortem mails, the grasp at straws flights of brainpower...and of course some serious naps. Now, of course, having deliberately stuffed my body clock yesterday for work, I am wiiiiidddde awake and ready to do it all again. Nope. This is what sedatives were invented for - have given sleep some encouragement with a good dinner, couple of drinks, the silliest movie I have seen since Wayne's World first appeared - it's about 95% in Afrikaans, so no-one out of SA (or Holland) would understand it - and now, meds, bed, sleep and sweet sweet dreams....

wipe-out

I know I am tense about the upgrade, even though I know deep down that it will either be A1 cool and smooth, or if it isn't, between me and other-contractor, we are more capable than anyone else could be at making it work.

But still. Guess part of what leads eventually to me being good is that I have - and am - sweating badly over this as part of my prep. When I saw pdoc on Thu, we were talking about life, the universe and everything... which I have been revelling in doing for the last couple of weeks. He is so, so smart and funny...and it brings out the best of the corresponding bits in me. And I love feeling like that. So on thu, can't remember what led up to it, but we were talking about work and upgrade and stress, and he asked me something, and the answer was that whatever it was would be cool 'because basically I am so damn good at this'.

He stopped there. Looked at me for a long time, and said that that was the first time he had ever heard me say something complimentary about myself. Maybe that is something to think about some other time.

For now, though, Thu was great, Fri was wake up way early to start a test at 05h30, do good stuff with that, nap in the bath, see PT dude and have a great training session, do some more stuff and then have an afternoon nap. Amazing day, until I woke up crying after the nap and haven't managed to stop yet. No reason. None.

Guess that if nothing else, this is reassurance that it's not only the dude that is causing the good bits. He was wonderful on Friday, and is coming over tomorrow (very unusually, but I have a suspicion that it's because he knows that work is getting to me a bit...), being just as sweet and kind as he has been for the past two months. And if I can hit the wall with him still being around, it gives me hope that it is the meds that are really making the difference. Which is way more reliable than loving someone.

I had a brief dive at 125mg Tofranil, and then got the good mood back at 150mg. So emailed pdoc on fri night to ask about 175mg, and he said to go with it - maybe I am being too sensitive to things, but I really, really don't want to let the dragons start chewing on me again right now. Not when I am having the best month in so many long long years. So holding thumbs that however bad today has been, and knowing that tomorrow is likely to be a 10-puke day and night (my uncontrollable reaction to upgrades and stress like that is to run off and puke every 30 mins or so...), between the dude and the meds....and maybe just a bit of being not too awful at what I do....maybe I can have the feeling good bit back again this coming week.

grrr.....

so there was a google search that ended up here today on 'big bad wolf sex'. Oh yeah baby.... We haven't gotten round to furry disguises and chewing on each other's necks for foreplay yet, but maybe I should suggest it. Everything else we do is awesome still....

so stupid...so sweet

I still don't really understand what's happening. Chicken or the egg? Did the Tofranil work because I was getting involved with the dude. Or did it move from just being excellent sex to kind of being in love because the Tofranil was making me feel so much more alive. Guess the only way to find out would be to take one of them away, and I'm not going to do that until it's absolutely unavoidable.

He is unreadable, unknowable, and sometimes quite strange. He is completely unlike anyone I have ever known before, and even more unlike anyone that I have ever been attracted to. He is nothing that I have ever wanted in the past ... and everything that I want right now. It is completely unworkable, yet it seems to just happen so easily. There can't be any future but I would live in this moment for ever if I could. I cry a lot at the moment even though I am so overwhelmingly happy almost all the time. And ultimately I know that this is going to hurt me more than anything I have let happen in the last 15 years, but I wouldn't undo a single moment of what has happened so far.

Shit. Getting old is way more confusing than being a teenager. At least then you could still hope that you'd grow out of feeling like this....

time to dig in and work...

...before the upgrade that I have to implement next Sunday. Unfortunately, my concentration is totally shot - and it's all the dude's fault. He visited esterday, for what turned out to be lots of cuddling but not much more. And left me in a state of extremely libidinous turmoil.

Needless to say, not much work has been done, and a whole lot of daydreaming about the dude has taken place instead....tomorrow, I MUST work tomorrow.

all the action

so, for a day with not much planned apart from pdoc and duckbuddy for coffee, it kind of filled up quickly. Slow start, then DB finagled me into coffee before pdoc as well as after. Good thing, because although we managed a quick one after as well, it was shortened by three unplanned bird calls - three pigeon babies to start with. The lady had mentioned they were on a ledge...what she left out though was that the ledge was three floors up. I am so, so not fond of heights, particularly when they are combined with narrow things to crawl along. Followed by the 4th rescue of a baby mynah from the same damn balcony! In a year, roughly, the same set of parents have been careless enough to let 4 babies fall off the same roof. Which wouldn't be so bad, as they are very keen to keep caring for their mislaid offspring. Unfortunately though, they aren't willing to let anyone work in any of the offices along that side of the building and keep attacking the windows whenever anyone tries. Mikey was the first of them, and he is the smartest, funiest, cutest bird I have ever seen, so hopefully his siblings turn out just as gorgeous. And then a quick pickup of a bird who is currently reminding me with plaintive shrieks that they are nocturnal and can yell all night, and home to PT dude. He'd had a really bad morning, but between me and one of my cats who finds him almost as nice as I do, he was feeling a bit more cheerful whne he left. I, on the other hand, was still dripping sweat and wobbly-legged from a really good workout. I'd just sat down to enjoy the first post-training smoke, when I got an urgent call to collect a baby vervet monkey with a broken leg, and take him through to the monkey-lady. So...a full day of adventure!

Best bit of course - well apart from the dude bit - was seeing pdoc. Third appointment in a row that I got to walk in smiling, so he figures he should retire while the going is good. It was another cool appt, with about 5 mins on mood and meds, and the rest of it just talking shit and enjoying it. He is still the man I most enjoy mentally, especially when I am feeling good and can trade wicked remarks with him - although I know he is way more intelligent than me, I can come back quickly enough to make him laugh as well. Only bad bit though, is that if this mood lasts for a while longer (and I really, really want that), it will also mean not seeing him weekly either. If I compare though, seeing someone I enjoy for half an hour a week versus feeling great for every day instead...no contest, the mood wins hands down. Shit, I love this feeling!!

hey-y-y

- what can I say? I feel alive for the first time in so very long. I'm not accomplishing much apart from work and training and spending time with the dude. But I wake up in the mornings, and my first blurry thought isn't 'oh fuck I wish I hadn't woken up..'. That is just so, so amazing - even if I don't get much done, it is just so, so good to not being doing it anyway!

so it's either the Tofranil or the dude...either way, it's awesome