adult hadeda ibis

- a common silly joke around JHB, presuming one has heard the shrieks of 'ha-ha-HA-DE-dah'...
why do hadedah's shriek? Because they are scared of heights, so they are yelling 'where-the-F*CK-ARE-we'....

confusion reigns even more

what can I say. Dude collected posessions on friday, I have howled for 4 days solid, even while I did a 200 km round trip to pick up a small duiker (alsation sized buck)that had been hit by a car - but was pretty damn feisty nonetheless - and deliver him to our antelope-specialist vet.

Today he appeared out of the blue for 'coffee'. He had it. I am even more of a wreck than I have been for the last couple of weeks. Posts on either/both blogs to follow, once I have found where I mistakenly left my brain. Cos it sure as heck ain't with me today...

google search: why don't you find baby hadeda ibises

given their domination over JHB skies - especially at sunrise (!!) - a good question. Answer is because they mostly nest really high in very big trees, so any babies that fall before they fledge (and can therefore at least glide, even if not fly properly) are pretty dead by ground-impact time.

I wonder why more little (well, comparatively, at least) bodies aren't found, but my guess is that they are often confused with semi-adult pigeons. We get an awful lot of baby pigeons that are thought to be hadedas. And the rest are probably eaten by dogs etc.

But baby hadedas are really cute - picture an adult reduced in size to about a quarter, with fluff instead of feathers, and a beak of an inch or two in length. The pic is of a fledgling, so already has feathers and is quite a bit bigger

so the dudeblog is effectively dead

no reason for a dude blog without a dude, is there. Keeping it at the moment so that I can go back and torment myself late at night with it - cant work out how to copy it all formatted etc to anywhere else.

so friday two weeks ago I did the ultimatum/end the damn thing bit. Didn't see him till tues when he just arrived, said no decisions yet, and we were in bed before the kettle had even boiled. Lots of time and chat for the rest of the week, till eventually on tues I said that he needs to talk.

He did. I cannot remember a word of what he said, although I am trying desperately to recall it. Basically? Over. Gave back his keys to my house, some stuff still to exchange. I knew when I did the choice thing what he would have to choose, but it was the only way I could walk away from him. Even after that, he was still surprised by not being able to keep seeing me anyway as friends. I'm not his friend. I love him. I can't do casual anymore..

I am cold and numb and dead inside. Only wish that the deadness could get to the rest of me.

hurting

earlier today I was doing the birdy cleaning up, and looked at the container readying itself to go the glass recycling dump up the road. Large number of vodka bottles for the last two weeks, since the dude-baby was first mentioned.

On Friday we met, had coffee, talked a bit and went to see a funny movie. The movie, and everything else for the day was made even better because of his comments. He picks up on things that are awesomely funny, but would be missed if he didn't highlight them. Same for the rest of life with him - it would fly beneath the radar if he didn't highlight things, and then it's hard to see how one could ignore such funny/strange/amazing things.

We talked for about 3 hours, and at the end of it the only thing that was clear to me is that I just don't wanna even try to do this anymore if he's not around. And he wasn't promising anything more than he always has. Friends, f**K-buddies. Whatever. I came home alone, and all I could see was that I want to be with him, seriously, permanently. And that that is just not going to happen, but in the meanwhile I will do wahtever I have to just to pretend that maybe it could, so that I can keep on dreaming and hoping.

Did my level best to flatten that, later that night. Sent him a mail saying I can't be friends, and that I see only two options. Stay home or stay here. Roughly. Told him I'd like an answer by next weekend, either way. And started a serious drinking weekend.

So about an hour ago, I came up with a brilliant simile, albeit with a 3rd in me already. This is like an abscess. It's gonna hurt a whole lot regardless. So if it gets drained, it hurts way more now, but ends up healing. Might not, either, might just stay infected, and keep hurting like hell, and end up killing me. So drinking right now hurts, and I cry a lot, but maybe it gets the pain out faster.

Who am I fucking kidding. This is like trying to squeeze your lungs out via your throat, and then being surprised that breathing is difficult.

Never going to stop hurting, never gonna be easier once they're gone..,.

dual post...

- for jcatblog and the dudeblog, so maybe shorter on specific detail, but - really - all that has happened in the last three weeks has been dude-centered. So what's to say?

We were on track for time away together, after a contact-deprived fortnight for one reason or another. First off was supposed to be our standard Sunday quickie, which fell through. OK, desperate, but OK.

He came over on Monday night, held me very close and told me that he had found out on the Sunday that his wife was 13 weeks pregnant. I froze. He held me tighter, and said that he had to tell me in person. And then we went to bed and made love as never before. I told him that - as I had said way before - kids change things, and that this would mean the end of everything between him and me.

Between a visit and mail on Tues, we sort of talked a bit, and I begged for the time away together as the requiem. Rather than the celebration it was planned as. He agreed. So after a lot of holding close, we went away on Monday.

Nightmare from the start. I was half terrified, half ecstatic, and so determined not to let my emotions stuff up the last time together. I didn't need to, because his wife did. Text messages every 10 or 15 minutes together, and when I eventually looked annoyed enough he offered to turn the sound off. I said it wasn't the sounds, but the fact that I really needed to have him be with me, just me, even if for a short time. He tried, but didn't make much difference - the frequency dropped by about 5 mins or so. And as he said, if he didn't respond it would be worse. I hated her so much that night. She has everything going for her - age, beauty, lifestyle. And him, above all, him. Add having his child to that, and the fact that I would be giving up my love to send him home for good...I needed him so much, just for a while.

The next day started off ok - apart from the messages. Then, through no choice, we were out of contact with the world for a while. A landline call at lunch said wife was nauseous. By 15h30, it was many messages from the MIL to say she had cramps. He asked if I would take him to wherever he could catch a bus, I said not to be silly - it would be way faster to drive, and without him there was no reason for me to be there. So we left, raced back, hardly spoke for most of the trip. I bought a pack of smokes after two days of not smoking at all. And I cried a lot. He bit his nails. After a while we both tried to talk shit, so that we could pretend that the world wasn't disintergrating.

She lost the baby a day later, at 14 weeks. I cannot concieve of how awful that is. For her. For him. I am tormented by how much I hated her on Monday, by how we were 5 hours away because of my dream, by how him being here would not have changed what happened but that he and I will never forgive ourselves for it anyway.

We have spoken briefly since. Today he said that no matter how bad this is, he cannot allow it to become his definition forever. And that he wants to come over tomorrow to talk. Originally he was supposed to visit to say goodbye and return each other's belongings. That was hard enough to face. Now? I don't know what he will need from me, but whatever it is, I have no option. I love him completely. If he needs to talk or love or ignore it, if he needs money or a timeout, if he needs me to rip my heart out and pretend for the next few days that we are all cool with life.. whatever he wants from me, I will be there to support him.

Afterwards? I don't know. I have to keep it together for as long as he needs me, and for long enough after that to distance him from the wreckage. For the last two weeks, I haven't been able to stop myself from visualising flames and walls and dying 'accidentally'. I cannot see anything past saying farewell to him, and I am way too old and ugly to believe something like this could happen again. Doesn't matter that I didn't expect it or even see it coming - it happened, and it has changed me irrevocably. And you know what? Being with him and loving him has ripped me apart three times in six months, it has cost me a small fortune, it has made me a deceitful, lying, conniving bitch in many ways. But even now, I cannot really say that i wish it had not happened. So it will most likely kill me, but if nothing else I can honestly say that I know what love is.

And it's worth it, really.

forgot to mention

that I finally gave in and bought myself a Wii console, with the intention of getting the Wii Fit too. If they were available, that is. After many calls and enquiries, I am now on the waiting list for one. Which I might get in the next month, but no guarantees. I cannot believe that something like this is completely sold out in every damn store in town!

Well, until I tried the Sports game. I am hooked, obsessed and cannot wait for my Fit to get here! This is more fun than any kind of exercise except sex. So now I'm being semi good and alternating the stepper and the Wii. And I have my first Wiinjury too. From baseball I think, after I was soooo determinded to win a game that I smacked every ball with all my might - won the game, but now have a lame left bicep. Not that that has stopped me...just playing tennis and bowling instead!

consistency is key....

which basically means....a litle bit more of everything! I kinda like this. It's almost normal, I guess, as opposed to the long periods of gloom. Mood overall is still on the positive side. There are a few all over the scale days, but I'm managing to keep a hold on them somehow. Mostly by dude-thoughts, but also because I figure that life overall isn't always positive.

It's one of the scariest things about MDD etc, that it becomes so much of a question over every day. Yeah, so today (theoretically) was crap - but is it just because sometimes crap days happen? Or is there a good reason for feeling crap today? Or is this the start of another bad one.... Doubt everything. Don't trust happiness in case it's delusional. Don't allow sadness in case it's the beginning of a plunge. Don't cry in movies in case you can't stop. Don't laugh too much because the gods might notice. Don't, don't, don't.

I figure the last three weeks are still in balance though. Big scare with my mom, big unhappiness with work, big joy with the dude. Good bird stuff, and some bad. Lots of running around arranging things. Way too much socialising with old-buddy, who, TG, has now gone back to Oz - I couldn't have coped with much more! For someone who has just hit the big 6-0, she is still impossible. Complains bitterly about being dragged home at 04h00 by 'party-pooping faders' i.e. me, and then charms me into doing it all over again a couple of nights later. It was so good to see her though, because our friendship really doesn't thrive without personal contact.

It was good to spend time with my folks, although it wasn't a great reason for doing it. I am reminded all over again that my dad is almost 75, my mom almost 70, and that they aren't indestructable. But I am still nowhere near ready to not have them around, and somehow I don't think I will ever be. It's different in a way it seems, if you have your own kids, and make the leap from being the child to being the parent. Lately I've seen a whole lot of views from both sides of the table, and it doesn't matter how old one is or how much one has achieved...that switch is the key. OK, so Britney is not gonna get there ever, but I guess there have to be exceptions!

The dude. It's almost hard to believe that the huge bust-up was only about 5 weeks ago, because so much has changed since then. The basics are still there - enormously physical relationship which appears to be very satisfactory for both of us, lots of fun whatever we do. From my side I'm not trying to play cool anymore, and - in his own way - doesn't seem like he is either. Well yeah, he's just not going to ever be the kind of guy who cries in movies, but he really doesn't mind showing the soft bits. What I like at the moment is that he is dropping the ultra-easygoing facade bit by bit, and - even on minor things - telling me what he'd prefer. Telling me when he is not in a brilliant mood and why, rather than giving out tiny clues for hours. Small things, mostly, but for someone who has spent years perfecting the self-contained fortress, every small thing is a very vulnerable spot. He was awesome with the whole upset over my mom - spent time with me on Weds, called on Thu at exactly the time he knew I'd be on my way to the airport, called twice on Fri and sent sms's while I was sitting with her, and called again on Sat as I was boarding my flight back. Nothing intrusive, nothing unusual said - just enough support though, so that I felt good, felt that he was thinking about me and that he cared. It really makes a difference. To everything...

and a bit more of most things

so, the chicken and two mynahs and a bunch of pigeons all went to their new home at the beginning of the week. Chook, of course was a huge hit. She must be the ugliest bird I have ever seen, but somehow appealing anyway. What was really funny was to see Gustav the Egyptian goose (who is a non-flier that I homed there a year ago) stalking around her with this look of "WTF is this thing"! Cockatiel went today, so now it's down to 9 feral pigeons.

And I'm off to visit my parents at the other end of the country tomorrow. We had a really bad scare, when the gynae found a 5cm tumour on my mom's ovary. Emergency surgery this morning, and thank God it was benign. Didn't realise until my dad called with the results and I basically folded up and sat on the floor cos all my muscles went limp, how tense we'd all been. Going down just to keep them company and do whatever errands I can to help.

Otherwise, my focus is totally dude-centric, and awesome. Almost six months now, and just gets better every day. And scarier, because he is so totally different to me, and sometimes I am really not sure of what I have let myself in for. Dude-blog post to follow, probably tomorrow, about the last week or so. In a detached observer way, it interests me that I see him as so strong, and so in control, but that - as is happening at the moment - if there is anything or anyone that threatens him, I would kill without any qualms. If that was what was needed.

In the rehab context, I have euthanased when birds or animals have been in pain beyond fixing. I drew my line at doing it based on 'invasive' species like mynahs or ferals, which is how I ended up being the specialist in those species. I have only ever killed once on purpose, when I hunted a blesbok and shot it. My cousin, who arranged the hunt (and selected the buck, as an unwanted male that he would have had to cull regardless), also made sure that I did everything else - the head shot, bleeding out, slaughtering and processing the meat. I will probably never ever hunt again, but if I have to, I know that I can do it. As an extension of that, while I don't think I would ever choose to kill a person for any other reason, if they threaten what I love, I don't believe that I would have a problem with that either. It's a very small group that I would defend that way - immediate family, three maybe four others, and the dude. Him especially, although he is more than capable of looking after himself. Guess this is something I should raise with girlshrink when I see her next week. Oh yeah, but I'd need to add her and pdoc to the group as well!

a little bit of everything

some rehab time, both at the centre and at home. I got conned royally though, when I went to fetch a feral pigeon on Monday, by Boss-lady. She gave me this semi-serious talk about how nice she had been to keep the pigeon for me, and then announced that as recompense for that she had a special case for me to look after. And gave me.....
a chicken. Seriously. This is a plump, healthy adult chook, who was obviously on her way to be sold as live meat-on-the-umm,claw? and escaped from the back of the transport truck. She bailed out...on a really busy road in the middle of rush hour traffic. Bear in mind that her wing feathers have been stripped bare, so apart from the natural chicken-flight incapabilities, she would have fallen like a fat round rock. Having not been slaughtered or run over or picked up by the large pedestrian contingent for supper, she ended up at the rehab centre. And then, ended up with me. She needs time for her (viciously-trimmed) beak to regrow a bit, and maybe her wing feathers too, and then I'll have to find her a permanent home. Meantime, she has very proudly laid two eggs, so it's either going to be a whole flock for homing, or I'll have a lot of new-laid omelettes!

some work time too, partly in the ongoing team-building program that is the only good thing that my boss, the virtual manager or ball-less wonder, as he is mostly known, has ever done. It was an awesome session, with just my immediate team and the facilitators, who are really good. A few other bits too, just to justify my bill at the end of the month.

some study time as well. This is so not fun studying - but it's important, and I was reminded this week that it will also increase my marketability quite a bit. And I get this little smirk every time I settle down to do it, because I think about the dude and how he is motivating me.

some buddy time - one of my longest-lasting friends is over here from Australia for three weeks, and it is great to see her. We just don't connect well via mail, but in person it's as if the years apart never happen.

and best of all, lots of fun dude time. He wanted to see if we could find a shoulder holster for his handgun, so it included lots of surfing to find local stores, and then a couple of outings to try and get one. Found a great one for me first, and then today we found one for him. I just love going places with him, even when we get a bit lost or sit in heavy traffic. There's always something to talk about, and mostly to laugh about too, and nicest of all, he holds hands for a lot of road-time and I can just enjoy feeling how strong he is, and how warm... :-)

mood-wise, still all over. I cry a lot, over nothing. But in between I am so, so happy. Love really does make most things better.

celebrating a saturday...

....the last week especially has felt just as good as it used to feel when I was a kid and there was a school holiday. There's this whole anticipation when you wake up, thinking about all the things you could do today if you wanted to, and all the things that you don't have to do as well!

I knew I hated the #2 job, and that it wasn't good for me or for them really, but until this Monday I hadn't realised exactly how much I hated it. The theory was that I was helping them out, and that in turn, the extra cash would help with the dude-expenses. But it didn't really work either way, and not having to go there this week felt so awesome.

Added to which, there has been lots of extra-good dude time. At a cost, of course, but it's a cost I am willing and able to afford for now. Stuff like he drives a really old and unreliable car, won't have it rewired because it's expensive. It's an amount that I would think twice about blowing on nothing, but I've paid for family dinners where a meal for 5 of us was about half the total - just for dinner. So telling him to get it done, even if he jokes about 'permission from the bank manager', is not an issue for me. What is a problem is when he can't get here because of the car, or when he ends up stopped on the side of the freeway in a not-great area. In the same way as I'm used to living with a family who can generally spend way more than I can without blinking, I'm now getting used to being with someone to whom my ad-hoc expenditure is huge. Only thing that I wish I could get him to appreciate is the value of what he does for me, and how priceless some of that is.

One example? He is really keen on studying further, both for his own knowledge (bible studies, general business courses) , and for possible future earnings (health-related serious courses). He asked about what I could be doing that would benefit me in my current career, and I mentioned IBM certification. He nagged me until I found out what was involved, then he nagged till I ordered the books. He was more excited when they came than I was. So last night I skimmed through the 1st one, then registered for an online sample exam. 90 minutes of sweat, plus some serious throw the textbook at the PC moments, but I passed it !!... so once I've read the textbook, I'm sure I'll be able to do it for real. Sent him a joking text, get one back saying 'I am proud of u'. That's priceless. It really is.

Having him with me yesterday for an hour's drive to a nearby town to drop off a stray kitty that I'd found a home for was wonderful. The way he let the cat out of the basket because she was scared, and the way he sat for 30 minutes with her in his arms, so that she was so comfortable she fell asleep (and farted like a champion 'cos she'd overeaten in the morning!) was more than wonderful. Not to mention the way he made me laugh for 3 hours, the way we talked crap about anything and everything the whole way back, the way being lost in a strange city was fun instead of being stressful. Priceless, and more valuable than he will ever know. And that's before I even get into how good it is to drive with my hand on his leg...:-)

Blush. This post is on the border of being banished to the dude-blog, but think I have managed to keep it anonymous and under a PG rating!! To sleep, to sleep....less than twelve hours to dude-alicious time again...

yay!

I got fired, albeit very nicely and not in so many words, from the #2 job today. Seems like very nice boss-lady has finally realised what I knew a while ago - that I am not skilled enough in the area that she needs to make much of a difference, and that what would help for her - having a warm body on site all day - isn't really feasible for me at the moment. So she told me tactfully today by phone that she thinks that new trainee guy can handle most of what is needed while she is away, and that if I can finish off the code I am working on, she'd prefer it if I could be available but not involved. What can I say? I gapped out of there like the proverbial bat, danced into the dude's arms when I got home singing 'i got fired! i got fired!' It was a favour for a friend, and I knew within a few days that it wasn't a good match, but at the same time I didn't want to let bosslady down anymore than I was already by being a useless programmer.

But yay! All I have to do is finish off some testing, and then I am out of there! I am so relieved that I am not even going to think of billing them for this weeks hours!

calmer waters

horrendous weekend. Not only the whole dude crisis, but just about everything else. Including Fridays arrival of an extra ten starving little pigeon bodies, so all my normal crisis coping mechanisms had to be avoided in order to get feeding done at about the right times.

Didn't really matter, because between Friday afternoon and late Monday, I couldn't have made myself sleep for more than 4 hours even with the liberal application of a ten pound hammer to my head, the thought of food or drink just made me race for the toilet to puke, and there was no ways that I could lie in the bath either. So about all I did was cry, pace, cry, smoke, cry, shiver with cold. First time this year that I have had to wear layers of clothes and slippers and duvets, and even so I stayed cold for three days.

And then the dude was here, and while it's not exactly a past issue, it's sorted for now. There is a lot I need to think about for myself, but he is still in my life. And the world kind of resolved again. I eventually ate of Monday evening, slept, went back to shorts and tees....

Oh, and didn't get fired from 2nd job, although I was really hoping I would be. Instead, I reduced my rate, agreed to more hours on site, and finished fixing the code I was working on. And realised too, that the last three months of good mood are far more a result of the dude than the meds. Bummer.

A whole lot of issues to think about, and decide on....but for now I feel kind of like one of those '50s girl bands, all pink and bubble-gum and doo-wop while they sing about the boyfriend is back and the universe is good again. Eeeww! that is just so not me! Or maybe it is??

yeah, well. apocryphal title....

oh god, yeah...how much of a dork can I be. Obviously, a whole lot more than I thought was even possible.....

rest of post, I guess, goes to the dudeblog by default. For the last time. Lets just say that the odds of ever having anything more to say dude-wise are probably below zero. And along with that, my interest in ever saying anything more is also pretty much zero.

dork is polite. Fuckwit stupid loser asshole is more apt.

joke of the week for me? Has to be the bit about how dude has become the best of all words and a substitute for most of the cussing as well. So tonight, where dude also signifies the whole rip my heart out and eat it while it bleeds..... what can I call myself. Dudewit dude-blank dude-aholic dudehole doubledude.....

so how much of a dork can i be....

...in this case, work-wise. So after an awesome dude-visit on saturday, a did-i-actually-do-anything day on sunday, I was back at office #2 on monday. After having scaled off to work at home for most of last week. Spent the whole trip there hoping that I'd get fired, only to discover that boss wasn't in the office. The whole IT dept seems to consist of 5 people including me, one of whom is boss, one of whom is new trainee programmer and one of whom is me. The other two don't talk much. There are also some random other-companies support staff who do stuff, but I haven't quite worked out what yet.

So after I didn't get fired 'cos there was no-one there to do it, I sat down and worked hard for a couple of hours and finished fixing the code I was working on last week. Eureka! Only took me as long as the average 5 year old would take.... Escaped while I was ahead, and came home to do lots of errands before a dude-evening. About two minutes after he said he was hungry, the power went off, so when it didn't come on, we went out for supper. Nerve-wracking, because he knows way too many people, but great anyway, and then a few more hours at home before he left.

Another good visit this morning, and then back to office #2 to see if I was still employed. No sign of boss, and I am starting to vaguely recollect something about her taking this week off, but I am such a wuss that I didn't ask anyone except trainee, who doesn't know either. Sat around a bit, escaped to do more errandy stuff, and looking forward to another dude visit in the morning.

After which....hmmm. Could visit the office again to see if I am employed/fired/have more work.... possibilities are endless. Dork!

phew!

so, having gone through the last few months, I reckon that everything that could identify the dude is now hived off to a separate blog. Might make this one seem a bit disjointed in places to begin with, but hopefully I'll be able to split dude-IDable stuff off from dude-daily info.

talking of which....funny how a word become part of you. Like 'dude' - it's never been a word that I've used, but it sort of snuck in with talking about PT. Then it became the dude's nick as well, and then it became what I call people when I am trying not to call them brainless fucking morons. Like the one who stands in the middle of the road while I'm driving. Or the one doing something stupid at work. And and and. So it now has a hundred different tones, depending on which dude I mean.

this is awful. My vocabulary is regressing. If I start saying like in terms of anything other than a comparison, please shoot me... like right now, dude!

BTW

am thinking I need to take the blog private. It kind of negates the original point, of trying to share the joys of bipolar and life with other people in similar places. Of becoming part of an international group of friends being supportive and sharing things.

That has happened, and I really appreciate the loose community that I feel part of. Quite a few different kinds of people, in very different places, many of whom I regard as important to me, even if we are unlikely to ever meet in person.

But while I am willing to claim blog-me in RL if it ever happens, I don't think that's a choice that other people should face. Other people? So OK, only concern here is the dude. I can't not talk about him, but I worry that I am identifiable by what I write, and so he might be too, and the consequences of that are not mine to accept.

So, Aqua, Pol (UK), Polar Bear, Annie, Lara...there are few more repeat visitors who I haven't blog-met yet.... think I am going to take this one private for a while. Mail me at the jcat456 gmail addy, and I'll send passwords etc....

strange and interesting times

so this morning started out with the next weapon in the stop smoking armament: hypnosis. The acupuncture has helped with cutting down enormously, sometimes even to no cigarettes at all (ok, those days have included a couple of drags on the old and dusty grass, even though I don't actually like feeling stoned anymore), but doesn't seem to be quite enough to kick it completely. What is strangest for me is that I don't even want to smoke at all when the dude is here, I would rather just breathe his unique scent. Days where I don't see him or where he is gone early are still bad though. So round two is the hypnotist lady.

I had to really beg her to take me because she said she isn't certain enough that I want it for myself. I do, but it is also way harder than I thought it would be. I was trying to get really honest with myself about why after the first appt on Weds. Closest I can get to it is that if the dude smoked I probably wouldn't even think of giving up. He doesn't, and I want to do it for him firstly. At the same time though, I have had enough positive comments from other people - without me saying anything to them at all - that I am kind of liking the idea apart from him. I'm at the stage now where I want it to happen, but I'm also realistic enough to see that without him I'd probably slip back to my previous 50-odd a day. It doesn't help that so many of my close friends smoke, and a couple are being really hard-headed about it being my decision not theirs, and smoking when we are together. And I am so feeble that I instantly scrounge a few and join them. So this is also going to impact on my already limited social life, because I just can't sit with people who are smoking and not do it myself. It's going to have to be a case of either they don't smoke or we don't meet. And being at home alone also doesn't help, because I pace around and end up convincing myself that tomorrow is a good time to stop completely. Hahaha.

so hypnotist lady did her stuff this morning. We'll see how it goes, but so far all the techniques aren't even touching sides. Only thing that helped for the day was having the dude here for most of it. And it was another awesome day, mostly.

so no news is just....no news, I guess

pretty much nothing has changed since friday. Sister is still sick, with a tennis ball sized hole in her abdomen, after the wound was cleaned and debrided over the weekend. She reckons that's an improvement on her tummy smelling like a very dead body was lying there, but otherwise it's all pretty grim. And will likely take about 3 months to heal. Ouch.

second job is still highly stressful, and first one is, I reckon going to be an ex one soon. I don't need daily management, but I do need backup, and I'm just not getting it. Which, according to my manager this morning, is just about everyone's fault except his. So fine...reckon I will accept a restrictive contract for now, and see what else is available. I need the money.

And the dude is still wonderful. Friday's dumb questions seem to have gone the way of any serious-type discussion with him - into the ether or wherever things like that go to moulder away. He was here on Sunday, and spent ages doing some house-repair for me, something that was annoying me but that I thought was unfixable. He fixed it. I occupied myself by taking pics of him working, to give me something more to stare at soppily. Including a sweet one of him smiling, and a really sweet one of his butt. Tight focus....hehe.

all around part #2

so this evening is the down bit, I guess. Suppose it has to happen when almost everything is good, just to remind me of how fragile the balance really is.

The second job is still highly stressful. All that I have in my favour is that I told my boss there on Monday that I wasn't good enough to do what they need, although I was willing to try and learn, and also to try find them someone more suitable. Seems though that they want to try the learning bit, because they aren't telling me to piss off yet. I would if I were them, and I keep expecting it every day.

My sister is back in hospital, still really not well. First job is giving me extra uncertainty, and the rehab is alternating between excessive guilt because I can't do what they want and trying to fit in the care for what I'm already looking after.

Have been surviving on my normal fixes - pdoc, girlshrink, Duckbuddy and, more than anything, the dude. The last couple of weeks since the idiot letter, he's been here almost every day, and for much longer visits, and it makes a huge difference to my outlook.

There's an old lawyer's rule though, something about never asking a witness a question that you don't already know the answer to, and today I stepped headfirst into that one. It seemed at the time like a good point to try and see what his view of things is. Not. I asked how long he thought the whole thing with him and me might last for. So he said no idea, and that he doesn't want to think about it. Take it one day at a time and don't make plans. And that if you think about bad things, you can bring them into being.

I don't know if I agree with the last point. Because then you should also be able to bring good things into being, the same way. And I have thought and dreamed and wished so much in the past few months for a future with more of him in it. Ain't happening though, is it. More fool, me...