oh boy

so after another delicious dude-visit, with a fairly good walk, I headed off to new job for the first time. Umm. Could land myself in trouble with this one! What they want most of is the entire sector of my possible job that I have done nothing with in the last 8 years. OK, so when I hit a moment of OMG get me outtahere midway through the afternoon, I went outside, scrounged a smoke and put in some SOS calls to get me a few manuals for the weekend. I now have two huge folders to read through and absorb, plus some take-home work, a fancy laptop and dialup conn to get it done with. Oh bloody boy indeed.

At the same time as I am scaring myself witless with what I seem to have talked myself into, I am also so, so loving it! This is so much who and what I used to be before the demon wolf got his fangs into me. I used to regularly get myself into water that was substantially deeper and warmer than I could handle truthfully, and whenever it got down to crunch-time, I could always put in the effort and mindpower to get myself through it. Then I hit the first major depression, and even in what I've regarded as good times since then, I've never really tested my work ability again.

I have gotten so used to either not trusting myself or to regarding myself as worthless. That view still holds for most things, but in terms of work, I know it shouldn't. This has always been the one area that - if I can keep my self-loathing out of it - I am very capable at. Not through anything I do, it's just the way my weird brain works.

And once again, the motivating factor here is the dude. Just by being around, just by the way he views life - and the way I deeply wish that he views me.... he gives me a kind of bedrock to go out and do stuff from. I want so much for him to see me as competent and successful, and that desire is enough to make me present myself and my skills in a way that I can hardly remember, but that used to be integral to my achievements.

Not saying that I have ever really possessed the beliefs, but that I used to be able to do the 'fake it until you make it' bit in public, even if I then went home and tortured myself over most of it. Last few years though, I haven't even tried most of the time. There just hasn't been any desire to. After all, if I know I am basically a stuff-up, and most other people agree, what's the point in trying to change things? He reminds me of the reasons - the whole wanting to succeed bit, however it happens.

Hit a bit of a low coming home this evening, the standard - I guess - weekend blues for someone who is older and uglier and less-married than the beloved. New territory for me, though. I'd like to think that this is happening because he finds me fascinating and funny and lovable and desirable...the way I feel about him. Friday night blues remind me that that is so laughable and unlikely. But the holdover from the rest of the day is keeping me going with the thought that maybe I can make this continue anyway.

After all, it wouldn't exactly be the first time in human relationships that someone old and ugly has been able to buy the affection of their loved one for a while. Maybe for long enough for some real caring and love to develop.

Guess after the end of a hard week blues, segueing straight into the late night desperate dreams is also kinda standard. And stupid.


"Ain't it hard when you wake up in the morning
And you find out that those other days are gone?
All you have is memories of happiness
Lingerin' on.

You might wonder who can I turn to
On this cold and chilly night of gloom
The answer to that question
Is nowhere in this room.

All your dreams and your lovers won't protect you,
They're only passing through you in the end.
They'll leave you stripped of all that they can get to,
And wait for you to come back again."

Neil Young, 'Star of Bethlehem'

much better

turns out that my sister is allergic to the suture material. How weird is that. So everywhere she had little stitches turned up all swollen and blocked the whole bowel off. New stitches with a different material, and hopefully she'll be fine once she stops hurting from the 6" incision down her stomach. Yay!

and the meeting? Was a relative of a friend making a referral.... a medium size company that needs some contracting done urgently. Nice timing after the upgrade, so it looks as if I'll do a whole whack of hours for the next three weeks, and after that, if we are all happy, it will become a regular contract to tackle specific projects and to try keep the daily stuff happening. Not quite my area of expertise, but close enough that I can probably do all that they need for now. So bonus!! extra expenses are covered for a few months. Heck, I love it when a plan comes together! Even if I hadn't made a plan to begin with...

not good

so sister's surgeon is busy doing more surgery at the moment, after 4 days of her being sick 24/7. I'm really, really scared for her. Trying to sidetrack myself with all sorts of other stuff until she comes out of theatre, although I guess we won't know whether the problem - whatever it might be - is fixed for a while. Think this might be enough to put me off the bypass surgery for a while.

very tense day

my sister, who although also kind of obese, has always been one of the sexiest people I know, decided to have gastric bypass surgery last week. On sunday, after 5 days of recovering well, she started puking and then developed diarrhoea. Seems that there is some post-op complication causing it, and she's been having x-rays every hour or so all day and probably all night too. Prayers for her, please....

in spite of the extra worry, I managed to stick to last night's decision (umm, made after I finished the smokes in the house, roughly 15 for the day...blush) to stop doing the reduction bit and go cold turkey on the cigarettes. No smoking all day - except for 3 tiny tokes on a very tiny joint. Although I did stand outside in the street earlier breathing as deeply as I could because one of the neighbours must have lit their wood fire - it smelt wonderful. Am wondering whether burning food in the oven would also be so delicious to breathe.

sanity for the day was restored by a longish dude visit. Supposed to be constructive surfing, but ended up being a fair bit of bouncing all over the web and looking at all sors of stuff. It is just so comfortable to sit next to him with my head on his shoulder, talking shit and laughing, holding hands and relaxing. WTF...this is the woman who takes a book everywhere, even the toilet, and who can normally not sit still long enough to watch an entire movie...

saturday night movies....

...just been watching the Morgan Spurlock documentary 'Super Size Me'. Scary stuff, even though I routinely avoid fast foods, almost as punishment for myself. I probably have either MacD, KFC or any other take-away about once a month. Doesn't make me any thinner, but I can hope that it at least isn't making me fatter either. It really surprised me to see the dude on thurs having a McFeast for breakfast, and then when I texted him to see if there was anything he wanted for lunch, he asked for another one. Guess it can be done occasionally.

Reading yesterday's post, and Aqua's comment over again...I'm not suicidal. There've been maybe about 5 days in the last four months where I'd have rated myself as there, including last saturday. One of the first signs for me of suicidality is that I stop caring about anything after this life, and all I want is out of it anyway.

What I am though, is kind of accepting. It's not that I would want to die without him, but that it would be almost pointless carrying on. Being with him is what I was made for, be it in this life or another one. With all the circumstances - his marriage, our ages, our histories - I can't really expect too much time with him here and now. What I can do is grasp that time whole-heartedly, and revel in it. And then move on, with the hope and belief that it will happen again, for longer and better. I'm not going to pre-empt anything, not yet. But it doesn't scare me either.

confusion multiplies, and exhaustion is added as a bonus

The exhaustion comes from the tearful weekend added to the re-implementation of the big work upgrade last night, starting at 23h00. Finished, we thought, by 02h00, with a fairly smooth run. Ha, more fools us, because the calls started about half an hour later, and haven't stopped since. The whole applications concept of not testing until it went live, because of a lack of resources is now biting our bums hard. Especially mine. I've basically done nothing all day except fix other people's problems - we tried a brief training session this morning, but gave up after about the 20th call. I think the vision of me trying to do sit-ups and leg raises with a cell phone at my ear, attempting not to pant too loudly while I answered questions was enough to make PT dude shorten the session considerably.

Oh, and probably doesn't need confirming, but between tears and trauma and working all night and day under pressure....the non-smoking is not doing that well. Am still managing to smoke less, but not quite the six that I was meant to limit myself to. Tomorrow...will renew the attempt tomorrow. Good thing is that when I came into the house on saturday, I could smell it, for the first time ever, and actually, it was quite gross. So that gives me hope at least that i will continue this.

this could kill me

but at least i will do it with some honesty....

After driving and crying and thinking and crying and talking to my DuckBuddy and crying and listening to some songs that have messages for me at the moment and crying, I eventually wrote the dude a letter, while I cried a whole lot more. Sent it about two hours ago, and - wow, surprise! - have been crying ever since.

If nothing else, hope he doesn't come here before the tentatively scheduled visit on Sunday, because I've probably cried myself into not having visible eyeballs for most of the day. And post-letter, have been drinking myself into a stupendous hangover, although the oblivion I am trying for remains way out of reach.

Told him I love him. Told him I can't do the lying and deceit bit anymore. Told him I would do just about everything that I can to be able to stand up and be with him, to love him openly, and spend forever with him....

Told him it's his choice as to what happens now. He can walk away, and I will accept that. If not? Then I will fight to have him with me honestly and openly, no matter how long or how hard it might be.

I have an awful dead patch spreading through me as I accept that I will probably never see him again, never hold him or breathe his sweet, unique scent, never make love with him or laugh and joke and talk crap for hours. This isn't an ultimatum that I have any hope of achieving, yet I've given it anyway.

There is no point in a future without him. There is equally little point in a future of loving him endlessly while we pretend that he is just a dude I know, and that everything that has become so crucial to me is...nothing.

I guess by the time I pass out tonight, with as much chemical help as possible, I will still be ripped to bits by this decision. By the time I crash into awakeness again, I will regret it bitterly, and would give almost anything to just be with him in whatever way possibly. So I've made it irrevocable, with what I said, and if/when I lose my dreams, it will be with the last few bits of my integrity.

Fucking joke. Integrity cannot hold me close or give me joy or hope. Integrity is a very cold and empty bed, for a very long time.

I accept full blame for what has happened, and full responsibility for whatever happens next. There is a small, small part of me that has hope, and a small, small part of me that dreams. And a whole lot more that says I have probably just chased away my love, my heart, my everything...

I've always thought that Ruth's words to Naomi were a strange way to feel about your mother in law. As a dedication to your lover, they remain unsurpassed.

"Ruth 1:16-17 (King James Version)

16 And Ruth said, Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God:

17 Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me."

anyone want a yoghurt or fruit or some healthy wholegrain bread...

oh yeah, there's a lot of breakfast crap in the fridge too... he didn't stay round long enough to get to eating that either...

scared witless...

...the dude should be here in the next ten minutes for his first overnight visit. Also, first meal I will have ever given him, and all sorts of other landmarks. I was so scared of planning something that he wouldn't like that I ended up buying the makings for four full suppers (so that he can choose what he wants) and enough breakfast items for an entire hotel buffet. Of course, at the moment I don't know if I could even look at food without my throat closing up. And this is after the 'relaxing' bath I had earlier!

On a more sombre note, foreigners are being attacked, beaten, killed and forced to flee their homes by xenophobic mobs of black south Africans rampaging through the streets in traditionally black areas. So much for ubuntu and the pan-african comradeship. Please pray for the scared and homeless tonight...

catharsis?

about the only good thing about a huge collapse like yesterday's is that it leaves me too drained to get upset about anything for the next few days. Doesn't solve anything though, and doesn't answer any of the questions I have either.

If this carries on, I guess that I will have to try raise some of them with him, which will be just about impossible. Firstly because I am a wuss, and secondly because he is really good at not talking about things if he doesn't want to, and I can't see him wanting to talk much about emotions or the ethics of affairs.

At the moment though, I just don't want to take the chance of losing what I have by trying to find out more. Not yet....

wonderful day

Pdoc appointment was awesome again, laughing and joking, although he was giving me a bit of a hard time about the dude. Not needed, because I am very aware of how involved I have become in such a short time, and how much this is going to hurt eventually. And of course, pdoc is now demanding my meds collection, which I had previously promised to surrender if I ever felt good for longer than a week. The concept of suicide is remote at the moment, but not so remote that I can feel confident about not needing the collection. I guess though, that I did promise it, and he has been fairly reasonable about not forcing me to give it up before. So I will have to give him most of it at the next appt, which is in two weeks. First time that we have progressed from weekly sessions since 2005! And first time that the meds have been stable enough for a monthly script with repeats - for now, we've settled at 175mg Tofranil and 20 mg Inderal (should be 30mg but I keep skipping the midday one accidentally). And a sedative only about once every ten days, and even then, it's down from 2 Ambien to 1/4, mostly. This is so cool!

madagascar....look and weep!

nope, no photo-shop....this is what it looks like!





how cute are lemurs!!



lunch on the beach




one of our homes - view from our room, from the lounge, and -crucial - the bar!



the chameleons are sacred and revered by most Malagasy

one step forward, one step back...

well, the non-smoking bit is going a little slower than anticipated. Cheated a bit yesterday, and then went for dinner with one of my best buddies and her husband who have just reconciled after what looked like it would be an acrimonious split. And they both smoke, so of course I had a few as well. Got home, was eyeing the garden for possible leaves to light...and remembered seeing my 15 year old dope stash, so rooted that out and had a joint, my first in at least 7 years! OK, so the stuff was somewhat dusty, and not that pleasant to smoke - but it still has a kick....I ended up chowing popcorn and an entire packet of lettuce leaves before the munchies wore off!

Today was a bit better until I rear-ended a truck about two blocks from home, in rush hour traffic on the main road. Kind of made my pick-up a bit shorter on the left, and thoroughly disabled it. So while I waited for a tow-truck, I decided that tonight was so not a good time not to smoke, and bought a packet of an obnoxious brand - gave half to a street guy, and am puffing away on the rest.

I will still do this - from about 50 to less than 10 is a good start, and I will keep it going. Maybe though, it will take longer than a day to train myself away from 28 years of bad habit. For the dude though, it will be worth doing...

oh, and a PS....

...that thing I said about pigeons breeding all year round? Yeah, well they also do stupid things like have close contact with dogs and cars and cats all year too. On Saturday I had a bird-free house (although that excludes the well-stocked aviary and the equally well-stocked roof), with my last three babies having been palmed off on another mad-woman (sorry....volunteer) for two weeks. By the time I eventually got home tonight just after 8pm, I had reclaimed the three waifs, and managed to accumulate another 6 ranging from teeny-tiny-don't have eyeballs yet up to adult-but lost half my tail/wing/bum feathers to a dog.....
God it's good to be home!!

Home is the sailor, home from the sea

title is from 'Requiem' by Robert Louis Stevenson, also used by A.E. Housman.

so, back from a two week holiday with absolutely no communication with anyone more than 5 feet away from me....apart from a non-stop wish to know that my animals were all ok and a similar desire to talk/touch/breathe the dude, it was awesome! I haven't been completely away since the beginning of 2005, and that was only for 4 days. Even in hospital, I've always been available to work, and able to keep in touch with the rest of my life. So the incommunicado bit took some getting used to. It wasn't really planned that way, but for one reason or another, comms just didn't happen, and guess what - the rest of my world survived just fine!

Madagascar is amazing, and I'm definitely planning on a return trip when finances allow. It's damn expensive for someone who is earning in SA Rands, although I'd guess it's very reasonable for euro or dollar comparisons. People were lovely, wildlife was awesome, food was superb (and the rum drinks not too bad either!!), we did lots of snorkelling the first week and lots more scuba-diving the second. My lower legs and arms are deliciously brown, but I managed to keep the rest of me from being crispy-fried in the sun. Have experienced every known kind of salt/heat/sweat rash and served as the buffet table for what felt like the entire population of indigenous insects. Fell in love with lemurs; swam with dolphins, sharks and turtles; played 'nemo' with huge schools of cartoon-coloured fish; bought a whole heap of tshirts and all kinds of hand-made souvenirs....had fun! Will post some of the pics tomorrow.

And tomorrow as well - yay!yay!yay! - I get to see the dude again, for what sounds like it will be a suitably passionate reunion. He was also hinting on the phone earlier that he has some possible plans that will allow him a lot more time here with me, which he'll tell me more about tomorrow. It makes me really nervous too, because this isn't supposed to have become anything serious. It has though, for me, and I am so scared of getting even more involved than I already am. I still have no idea of how he really feels - and don't think I ever will - and I honestly can't see it ever turning out well in the longer term. But for now, whatever his motives are, if it means more time spent with him....I will do whatever I can to make that happen.